Then I understood what everyone was talking about.
Why it is all so important.
What it really means to be happy.
And it leaves me wondering how I ever lived without him.

I used to get excited for school to start. I have never not wanted it to come this badly. does that make sense? I really really really don't want to go back. I don't want to loose this. I am scared I will loose everything that I have built this summer. Plus everything is broken now. But I guess that just leaves room for new things to grow and for things just to change and be better. maybe?
My life is completely different now. if you think you know me and have me figured me out I guarantee you that you don't. It is not your fault, nor is it necessarily a bad thing. Only two people know me, including myself, and I am content. In the end I am happy, very happy in fact. I am happy with who I am and who I am becoming.
Life is complicated, and throws a lot of shit and loop holes, but it is what it is. This is truth. Letting go is truth. Freedom.

I am done looking back.

You have lost me. I am going to work hard in school the next two years and do everything in my power to get every scholarship I can so once I graduate and move out I will not owe you anything. Once I move out I will never talk to you again, ever. You don't deserve a word from me, I have done enough. I have sacrificed so much for both of your well beings and you don't even see it. You don't even see the damage you have done. You don't deserve my forgiveness. I have people in my life now that care about me and I wont need you. I am sorry. I am sorry that I am so angry. I wish I wasn't, but I am. This is how things are going to be, it is out of your hands. Unless you make an effort to think about someone other than yourselves within these next two years then I wash my hands. I will be done. I owe you nothing.

I am being hard on you. but I could never tell you anything. You used my love against me for all these years and I am tired. I am sick of your manipulation. I am sick of your problems. I am completely lost. I am scared I will never be able to love anyone. I am scared I will be the same type of parent.


I learned all I know from you, that horrifies me.

I have learned from my mistakes. I am learning not to take my emotions and impulses so seriously. I have learned to love, and allow love. Everything seems so fucked up, but just saying everything if fucked up isn't going to do anything for me, or anyone else. People are fake, it is sickening, but the only way I can do anything about it to emulate what I want in a person. I am not perfect. I am fake. I am everything I criticize, we all are. You can say you are not but all of us are the very thing we spit upon. I just feel sorry for people. They seem to have nothing, no meaning in their lives. I am one of the lucky ones. I don't have truth, but at least I know I don't have it.

It is hard for me sometimes so see how horrible people really are. I, for a long time, thought the human condition deep down was one of compassion towards one another due to the similar bond you can share with almost everyone. But more and more I am realizing that people don't care. You can't blame them, their parents don;t care, society doesn't care, no one does. We all have artificial emotions. Nothing is real unless there is no need to label it. life isn't a organized closet, why doesn't anyone fucking get it. We wont ever achieve perfection, there is no point in pursuing it.

No one can be happy when there is self. Forget this me mentality.

So maybe maybe I should stop talking now and stop contradicting myself.

Words mean nothing, that's what I have been searching for this whole time. I need to detach myself from words and learn to not connect to them emotionally. They are what have been inhibiting experience in my life. Live live live live live live live live live.



Dwelling only hurts me, that's why I have stopped. I trust people pretty easily, believe people have good intentions but they sometimes are misguided by the crap that floats around us, I am too. I need to let go of self, I am doing that, slowly, but surely.



by the way, he is the best thing that has happened in such a long time. ahahahahahahahhahahahhaha. geez he makes me smile.

Alyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy OUT.

And Jesus was a sailor
When he walked upon the water
And he spent a long time watching
From his lonely wooden tower
And when he knew for certain
Only drowning men could see him
He said "All men will be sailors then
Until the sea shall free them"
But he himself was broken
Long before the sky would open
Forsaken, almost human
He sank beneath your wisdom like a stone

austyn,

When I look back to reflect, I can’t do it without feeling a lump in my stomach grow larger with every mistake I’ve made. Words don’t mean much, but they do have the power to break respect you have for people, or friendships you’ve had. Those you critique others the most are the one’s with the most insecurities with themselves. I talk because I don’t know how to find happiness without it, but funny, it never gets me anything but more drama. You know I am trying to say sorry. I know you’re probably rolling your eyes. But I’ll keep talking anyway.
I’m not grateful enough, to say the least. You’ve never done anything to hurt me, not on purpose. and I have never tried to hurt you on purpose either, even though I know I have. We all have our own lives that we have to put as a priority. But I do want you to know that every shitty thing I say is done out of love. It’s just strongly misguided. I can’t stand to see a friendship fade, so I figured it would be better if it just ended. But in truth, I don’t want our friendship to end. You can’t deny that we have lost each other, and I can’t deny that it is just as much my fault. We are both very different now and I think that we will never be as close as we used to be but now I know that that doesn’t mean that I should put you down and judge. I get frustrated so easily. In short, I’m sorry. I am very happy with my friends, and I don’t need to be your best friend by any means. I only ask that our relationship doesn’t remain so mediocre. I know that you understand me, or at least you used to. Try to understand where I was coming from. Because through all the junk, I had a message, you are important to me, and I’m not willing to give that up so easily. After school yesterday I wanted to say sorry to you so badly I just had no idea how. Please forgive me, I don’t want you out of my life.

The plastic is what kills me. false convictions. political theatrics. don't tell me you care because you don't, I'd prefer a selfish idiot then a pretentious faker who claims to have beliefs. You were such a important person in my life, but it was all show. It's always the next party or better lookin' crowd. I'm tired of theater. Where does reality begin? It's all image, how can I tell the difference between the screen and the people. there is no difference, that's the problem. Where did all that beauty go? I'm happy though. truly, this is for real. I know friendship when I see it, your blind fold has come off of me.

you make your self out to be insane but the need for attention is as sane as the rest of the world.

I thought you would understand that.


...... over trying to be your friend.

I’m sorry... I’ve moved on

I guess not though, it's all a cycle with me.

and then I understood all those crappy songs...

So I have to post a stupid picture of myself for school because i can't send it to myself. So suck it up and let that blank stare eat your soul. Yeah, sorry, I have to have a picture of myself for a book we are making and this is that only somewhat recent one I have.

or


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cz-zyaiYcPY

I don't really know what I am supposed to say.